Surprises were in store in days to come. More surprises than we ever imagined. When Aaron and Connor were 18 months old we found out we were expecting again. We had sadly lost a pregnancy 8 weeks prior and did not think we would conceive again so quickly. You would think by now we would realize that our days of infertility were over, but I guess I have always been pretty hard headed. My first post twins pregnancy was more than a surprise, it was honestly a stressful idea. I did not want to go through the same kind of pregnancy I had with the twins and I felt like there was no way I could parent four kids. When we lost that pregnancy however, I was sad. It was a sadness that told me I really did want more. When we found out 8 weeks later that we were expecting once again, I was filled with mixture of panic and excitement.

As Scott and I did the math we realized that we would have four children aged four and under. We were nervous to tell people we were expecting for a variety of reasons. One, we had just lost a pregnancy after telling people we were pregnant and didn't want to go through that again. We also had received such negative reactions with our first announcement, we were not ready to hear those comments again. Many people, out of concern for my health, expressed their feelings quite clearly when we told them were were expecting. Most of the comments were, "Are you crazy?" The best one was said by a close friend of ours who is a therapist. His comment? "Wow, that is what brings people into my office."

We knew we had to tell our family first. I was planning a trip to Minnesota to see my parents when I was around 8 weeks or so. I knew it would be better to tell them face to face. I knew my Mom would have reservations. She had been there in the hospital watching my life sit on the brink of death with the birth of the twins. I knew she did not want to go through that again. I was very nervous about telling her. I almost felt like I was 16 years old having to tell my Mom I was pregnant and not married. Here I was, 30 years old and scared to tell my Mom I was going to have my fourth child.

My parents picked me up at the airport and I sat in the back seat the whole way home wondering how I was going to tell them. I knew I couldn't hold it in for too long. I have never been one to keep personal news from my family. Once we got home we ended up standing in my Dad's office for some reason. I knew the news had to break. I looked right at my Mom and told her I had some news. I am not sure how much she understood right away, but her face looked a bit panicked. I smiled the best smile I could muster for the moment and said, "Well it seems like God really wants us to have four kids."

Now normally when children break the news of a new grandchild there are hugs, smiles, maybe even tears. Not this time. As soon as I divulged the news there was an awkward stunned silence in the room. I felt like the air had been suddenly escaped from the room and I desperately needed to gulp some in. After what seemed like an eternity, though was most likely only a matter of seconds, my Mom smiled and said, "Well congratulations. I hope this time it goes well."

I knew my parents would support me no matter what. I knew that they were happy to add another grandchild to the mix. I knew that they would love and adore this child just as all the others. I also knew, though, that they were filled with a sense of anxiousness and maybe slight fear. The wondered not only if my body would be able to carry another baby but whether my mental health would sustain the raising of four kids so close in age. I knew they were right on the money about my physical health. The mental health issue was the one that was unknown and little did I know how much it was going to be tested.